(no subject)

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming.
But there's a voice inside my head.
Saying 'you'll never reach it'.
Everystep I'm taking.
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction.
My faith is shaking.
But I...I gotta keep trying.
Gotta keep my head held high.

You don't always have to like an artist to listen to a song, a single song of theirs that hits a chord.

I have so many thoughts. So many descisions. And I'm terrefied. I'm 25 and I'm terrefied. I'm tired of just about everything in my life, and I feel like one simple change can fix a lot of that. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it wont, but I'll never know, and I'm tired of having regreats.

He was going to move here when we first got together, he had an opportunity and I didn't let him take it.

I regreat that.

He was going to come see me in Chicago.

I told him no.

I regreat that.

I regreat a lot when it comes to me and him.

And oddly enough this descision doesn't have to do with me and him. This descision has to do with me. I don't want to regreat living here for so long. I promised myself that I'd get out. And it has nothing to do with getting away from my family, because I love them. The older I get the more I realize that the problems I had for so long had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my inability to love myself.

I realize a lot of things these days.

I told them I wanted to move out.


There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to loose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the otherside.
It's the climb.


And I'm going to struggle if I do. I make enough to do it, but it won't be easy, and saving won't be easy, but you know what? I keep talking about how I want to buy my own place. But I don't. I don't want my own place. I know where my place is, and that's with Travis.

So, moving out of here and renting an apartment? That isn't throwing my money away. It's gaining my independence. Because I think I need that independence before I can decide to move to Tennesse. I think I need to know I can live without my parents.

I think I need to know that I can do it on my own before I go somewhere, where I only know one person, and that one person will be the person I rely on.

That's a scary thought.

To go somewhere, where the only friendly face I truly know will be him.

To have to say goodbye to Jessica, and Brenda.

It breaks my heart, because they have been my strength.

But that isn't until later downt he road.

And thus I'm trying to spend more time with them. To let them know how much I love and adore them. To let them know they are two of my dearest friends.


The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no I'm not breaking.
I may not know it.
But these are the moments.
That I'm gonna remember most yah.
Just gotta keep goin'
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on.


So, Jessica is going to go look at apartments with me tomorrow.

My dad is going to make it difficult.

My mother got pissy and said that she couldn't stop me.

But my dad? He's going to make it difficult.

And I'll be sorry.

But I need my own space.

I need the ability to have what I want in my own space. I need the ability to wander my house and not feel like I'm invading someone else's space, or that someone else isinvading my space. I will not be like my cousins. Maybe they are taking the smart road but every single one of my cousins [sans one], live with their parents still. Some of them are well into their 30's.

I can't do that.

I won't do that.

Here I go. Hello life. I'm coming.